rdhd45vlcek@yahoo.com AZ United States
The reason I started this second webpage is because all my friends and family tell me, "You should write a book!" In lieu of that, I'll do this first--if I get any positive feedback, I'll consider submitting various things I have written to be published. I love the English language, and also love the flow of words that are put together well. With the written word, you can evoke memories, emotions, and reactions. I plan to write about my childhood, my battle with manic depression and hepatitis c, and sometimes some of my poetry, etc. It will always be a work in progress, just as my other webpage is.
In this section, I will probably put all types of writings, whatever happens to be in residence in my mind at the time. Christmas '98 is finally over, and another year is coming up quickly. Charlie and I celebrate our first anniversary in a few days, and I look forward to many more years with this wonderful man. I was touched while opening gifts--his mom had signed the gift tag "Mom and Dad ". I am actually starting to feel like part of the family now. There were a lot of issues in the beginning, including the fact that Charlie and I met on the 'Net, there is a 12 year age difference (I'm older), and I'm Pentacostal, he's Catholic. We're happy, though, and provide for each other the thing that we each need the most-- respect, communication, and lots and LOTS of lovin'. Both of us have been told, in other relationships, that we love too much--as if that's possible. We BOTH love this way, though, and both need lots of touching and reassurance from our partner.
I hope to be able to write about all the places I've lived (Iowa, Virginia, Texas, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Arizona, California, Florida, Guam, and Germany), the men I've had in my life, my children and the times I've gone through with them, the abuse as a child, my breakdown in 1991, manic depression, it's treatments, and the prejudices towards people with mental problems. I want to write about the fantastic history that has occured during my lifetime so far (the tearing down of the Berlin Wall, the USSR becoming Russia, the Cuban missle crisis, the first men on the moon, the space shuttles, John Glenn and his second foray intospace, the various wars--Korea, Viet Nam, and the Gulf, the '60's and the hippies, the changes in music, and my grandchildren. I want to tell about how I got Hepatitis C, and the treatments I'm going through to try to get better; I want to tell about the side effects the Hepatitis C has caused in me, so that others will learn more about it; and I want to copy down some of my poetry, written during the course of an affair that went sour. The early poems show happiness, hope, and love; the later ones reflect sadness, pain, and abandonment. With my present husband, I don't feel the need to write poems about our relationship--he and I verbalize it all, leaving nothing out. Communication--the basis for everything in my life. Books, movies, music, my marriage, my family (close and extended), and my work on the 'Net. On the 'Net, I have founded a support group for parents of teens in trouble-- it's a real shock to see how many parents think that they are the only ones experiencing the pain and confusion that can be part of the raising of a teenager. I know--I'm still going through it myself.
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A POEM FOR CHARLIE--MY ONE TRUE LOVE, and my precious husband--
If I died today, would you know how much I love you? For my ailing heart you were the remedy. In bed, when I am saying my good-night prayers, I thank the Lord for giving you to me.
My memories of us-- I have so many! Camping, fishing, long road trips, and playing by the sea. Regrets there might have been? I haven't any! I never guessed how happy I could be.
Thank you for our first two years together, and our first year of marriage--I love you.
1/13/1999
I have seen a lot in my life so far, and there should be a lot to come. I figure that, given my family's average age at death, I am about halfway through--and I have so much to tell.
When I was a child, we had a black and white television, in a huge metal cabinet, painted to look like wood. I remember Amos 'n' Andy, The Edge of Night, and other shows that are now in television limbo; I remember when "The Flinstones" was a night-time show, and the first episodes of "Twilight Zone" and "Bewitched". I, and my sister, were hooked on "Man from U.N.C.L.E."--I liked Solo, my sister liked Kuryakin.
As a teenager, I watched the first man walk on the moon--and was mad that my dad made me sit and watch it. I watched the coverage of John F. Kennedy's assasination, Clarabell's touching "goodbye" during the last show of "Howdy Doody", and singing along with "Romper Room".
There was the disturbing coverage of the riots for equal rights during the '60's, and the terrifying films on the news showing the awfulness that was the Viet Nam war. I was an active part of the anti-war movement, and my mom saw me on the lunchtime news, protesting at ASU. Since my dad was a military "lifer", in the Navy, and had been in Viet Nam himself, you can see why this was not a good thing!
I didn't have a t.v. when Richard Nixon was impeached, since I was in Germany with my first husband at the time, but I listened to it all on the radio. I watched Princess Di's marriage, and horrifying death.There was the first cloning, of a sheep, the first "test tube baby", and heart transplants, all televised to the world. I, along with everyone else, saw the Berlin Wall come down, and the USSR become Russia; I saw astronauts from both the United States and Russia live together in a space environment, and our first female astronaut die in a rocket explosion. There have been funny things, touching things, and sad, heart-wrenching things--but they have all been part of my life, part of what has made me who I am.
The television has been the major medium for news in my lifetime; I don't know if that will continue in the future, or if computers will somehow become the news source of choice. Whatever the medium, I am sure that there is still a lot to come that will be momentous, that will shape me even more.
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To the casual on-looker, it appears to be a rather ordinary-looking flower, pale of color, short of stem; but to the one who takes the time to open the petals with his warm breath, there are hidden beauties that are just for him.
The pink deepens into a rosy coral, rich, lush, and promising. The bloom reveals secrets that would otherwise remain hidden--they are for him alone. The scent released is a heady mixture of her essence and his love; it fills the senses and evokes memories of soft, golden light, and darkest espresso.
It is not a token to be pressed away in the confines of some dusty tome for preservation; rather, a living thing to be nurtured, appreciated, and experienced. The promise is there for him who anticipates the maturing of the bud, and the uniqueness of the gift.
From the first tingle to the last sigh....
Kathi Foster Vlcek September 1995
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One of the poems I was telling you about--this was at the beginning of the relationship, when I was still blinded by stars--
SECURE in your love, I have become a juxtaposition of contrasts. The small girl in me vies for space with the sensual, sexual adult woman; the caretaker aspect of me alternates with the dependent facet of my personality. You have a way of making me feel like a seventeen year old, while on the other hand, you give me the confidence to feel good about my true chronological age.
SAFE in your arms, I can survey the world with an almost total lack of apprehension, feeling as if I can surmount anything that may be thrown 0in my way. The pairing of you and I is a formidable one, made even more so because it is partnered with the Lord, always an excellent Chairman of the Board.
SNUG in your heart, I feel more appreciated, more desired, than I can ever remember being in this lifetime. I hold my head high, knowing that the most wonderful man I have ever known loves me; it is reflected in my manner, my speech, and my appearance. My humor becomes gentler, my tongue softer, my criticism less sharp. All of this enables me to deal with the everyday and the extraordinary with more patience and tolerance, because I know I have your support.
SATED with your passion, I discover passions that heretofore haveseemed unobtainable. Free to express myself, I find there is nothing we can do in our lovemaking that, because it has love as it's basis, could ever seem tawdry or perverse. When something is done with love and the pleasure of the other person in mind, even the most unusual urges become ways to show my love and my desire for you.
SWEET, sweet man, thank you for loving me, and for getting to know the person that I am, instead of just seeing the facade that I hide behind. Thank you for allowing me to be who I have always known I could be, without fear of condemnation or ridicule. Thank you for sharing common memories, likes and dislikes, and idiosyncrasies, making conversations lively and interesting, if to no one else but us. Thank you for being eccentic, for you tolerance, for your kindnesses to myself and others, for your generosity, and for your concern for your fellow man, regardless of profession or personal beliefs. Thank you for going through the Hell that you have experienced; it has resulted in you being who you are now, and that is a marvelous example to all who are fortunate enough to encounter you.
SANGUINE about our future together, I can forsake the past, allowing all of the nightmares and demons to fade into the night. Past abuses and ill-fortunes no longer have the power to govern my life as they did before, allowing me to replace them with remembered kindnesses and pleasant experiences. I am able to forgive, not only others, but myself, as well. SOBER and sage, you provide me with counsel when requested; strong and self-confident, you allow me the freedom of not always having to be strong myself. You are mature enough to appreciate experience as opposed to youth; mature enough, also, to know that Life is ridiculous, and play and laughter are necessary to survive.
SYMPATHY for our mutual loneliness moved God to put me in the right place at the right time; sure of the results, He then stood back and allowed this beautiful relationship to develop. Together, we are formidable; together, we can take on whatever Life hands us, and emerge, perhaps not unscathed, but victor- ious nonetheless. I love you, always have, and always will.
K L Foster Vlcek written October, 1995
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Can you see-- how my face brightens at the sight of you? how the stars leave the heavens to light my eyes when we're together?
Can you hear-- the music, the happiness in my voice when we talk? all that I try to convey with the words, "I love you"?
Can you feel-- my heart pound when you take me in your arms? my body tremble when you make sweet love to me?
Can you imagine-- espresso-tasting tongues, seeking, fending, thrusting? butterfly-light touches that sear, playing my taut body like a stringed instrument?
Can you believe-- that I will always feel this excitement, and this peace, with you? that I thank God for you in my bedtime prayers?
Can you know-- I have always loved you, always known you? I will always take care of you, your needs, your desires, your wants?
I can.
Kathi Foster Vlcek written November 1995
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Written during the holidays, when the relationship was in full bloom--
The holidays have ended, the pretty bells are down, the carolers are silent, the trees are turning brown-- but, if you look into my eyes, the lights are shining still; they started when I met you, and now I always will.
You put Christmas in my heart. I don't need a winter scene to put me in a festive mood--the joy is evergreen. The giving goes on all year 'round, in every sort of way; the gift is here within my my arms, to open every day.
As we start this year together, I think that we may find our love blooms ever upward, our roots grow intertwined. Together we will flourish, our faces to the sun, knowing God has blessed us, His Spirit makes us one.
Kathi Foster Vlcek written January 1996
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This was written as things started to go wrong, when I was trying desperately to fix things, when I thought that maybe I could make him understand if I wrote my feelings down--
I didn't know what to say, or what to do.
I eagerly anticipated your return each day, and still felt alone when you were here.
I tried to explain my feelings, and was told it was "old news". But, nothing changed, and once again I cried, holding my pillow for solace.
I played "our" music, re-lived special times in my mind.
I fantasized about special evenings, only to see the plans fail, dreams going up in the smoke of dying candles.
I so loved your touch, the sound of your voice.
I changed things about myself, to try to regain your interest, to attract your attention.
You are so smooth with others--so glib, so eloquent. But, when it came to us, the flattery, the flirting, the courting seemed to be over. You told me that I was your "lady"--but wouldn't tell others what position I had in your life.
I may have had your love, but you had stopped being my lover long before. I had your physical presence, your car in the drive, your shirts in a drawer.
But I missed the random kissing, the snatched moments of intimacy. The long talks, the shared jokes, getting to know each other, doing things as a couple.
How could we have changed things, recovered that special magic? Now, it's lost forever, buried beneath the mundane minutae and routine actions of everday.
We needed to set aside time, time to just be there for each other. If we were to grow as a couple, things had to change, before the magic died forever.
Pax requiem
Kathi Foster Vlcek July 1996
***************************************************************** It's been forever since I was here to write. Not that there haven't been things that I want to write--some of it has been saved to my hard drive, and when I get a chance, I'll upload it to here. I hope that those of you who find your way here understand how deeply I have reached within me to write in here.
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